Building Your "Chosen Family": Finding Your Village When You're Practically Adulting
- Aug 30
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 2
Life throws a lot our way, and sometimes, the traditional support systems we imagine just aren't there. Maybe you grew up without a strong family network, moved to a new city, or are navigating a major life change like divorce or an empty nest. Whatever your story, the feeling of needing connection and support is universal. The good news? You absolutely can create your own supportive village – a "chosen family" that uplifts, guides, and celebrates you through all of life's practical adulting adventures.
Why You Need a Village (Even When You Think You Don't)
We're wired for connection. A supportive network isn't just a nice-to-have; it's essential for our well-being, resilience, and even our physical health. Think of it as your personal advisory board, your cheerleading squad, and your emergency contact list all rolled into one. When you have people to lean on, share joys with, and ask for help, life feels less overwhelming and far more vibrant.
Different Seasons, Different Needs: The Evolving Village
The kind of support you need changes throughout your life. As a single parent working two jobs, you might desperately need practical help – someone to carpool, share childcare, or simply bring over a meal when you're exhausted.
Later, as an empty nester or after a divorce, your need might shift to companionship, shared hobbies, or emotional processing. If you're new in town, your initial village might be focused on practical advice about local resources and making new friends.
Recognizing what kind of support you need right now is the first step in building a village that truly serves you.
Where to Find Your People: Beyond the Obvious
Your chosen family won't just appear on your doorstep – you have to actively seek them out.
Shared Interests & Hobbies: This is a goldmine! Join a book club, a hiking group, a crafting circle, a recreational sports team, or a volunteer organization. When you're doing something you love, you're naturally going to connect with like-minded individuals. Check out local community centers, libraries, or online groups (like Meetup) for opportunities.
Work & Professional Networks: Colleagues can become close friends and invaluable mentors. Attend after-work social events or professional development workshops.
Community & Faith-Based Organizations: Churches, synagogues, mosques, and other spiritual communities often provide a built-in network of support and opportunities for service.
Parenting Groups: If you're a parent, local parenting groups (online or in-person) can be a lifeline for advice, playdates, and adult conversation.
Educational Settings: Taking a class, whether it's for personal enrichment or career development, puts you in a room with people eager to learn and grow.
Online Communities (with caution): While not a replacement for in-person connection, specific online forums or social media groups dedicated to your interests or life stage can be a starting point for connection, and sometimes lead to real-life friendships.
How to Approach Building Relationships: Slow and Steady Wins the Race
Building deep connections takes time and effort, especially if healthy relationships were never modeled for you.
Start Small: You don't need to find your entire chosen family overnight. Focus on one or two potential connections at a time.
Be Open and Vulnerable (Appropriately): Share a bit about yourself, your interests, and even your challenges. Authenticity attracts authenticity.
Initiate and Reciprocate: Ask someone to grab coffee, go for a walk, or join you for an event. And when someone reaches out to you, make an effort to reciprocate.
Practice Active Listening: Show genuine interest in what others have to say. Ask follow-up questions.
Set Healthy Boundaries: This is crucial! Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and clear boundaries. Don't overcommit, and learn to say "no" when you need to.
Seek Guidance: If you've never seen healthy relationships modeled, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can provide invaluable tools and insights into communication, attachment, and identifying healthy dynamics. Resources like Psychology Today can help you find professionals in your area.
Identifying "Good" People and Relationships
How do you spot a truly supportive person or group? Look for these signs:
Mutual Respect: They value your opinions, listen to you, and treat you with kindness.
Reciprocity: The giving and taking feels balanced. You both invest in the relationship.
Empathy and Understanding: They try to understand your perspective, even if they don't always agree.
Trustworthiness: They are reliable, keep their promises, and are discreet with your confidences.
Boundaries: They respect your "no" and don't push you into uncomfortable situations.
They Make You Feel Good: After spending time with them, you generally feel uplifted, not drained.
Building your chosen family is an empowering act of self-love. It's about recognizing your worth and actively creating the support system you deserve. It might take effort and courage, but the richness and resilience that come from a strong village are truly priceless. You've got this!
Where Do You Start?
It can feel overwhelming to build a village from scratch, but it all begins with one small, intentional action. What's one thing you can do this week to put yourself in the path of new connections?
To make it easier, we've created a FREE "My Village Blueprint" printable. It's a simple worksheet to help you brainstorm and make a plan. You can download it instantly when you sign up for our free membership.
And if you're looking for even more tools and guidance to help you navigate all aspects of adulting, check out our Pro-Adulting Toolkit for exclusive resources to build your skills and confidence.
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